This just in: Checkers, Krokae, Poker, and Skipping are now Olympic sports!

Okay, so that headline is a total lie, but... is it really that far-fetched? I have been watching the 2008 Olympics in Beijing somewhat occasionally, (in another words I watch it when I happen to be awake at 3AM or so) and what do I see? Events such as: Trampoline; Table Tennis; Archery; Synchronized Diving; Sailing; and...Walking?!!! My good word. What in the name of crap is 'walking' doing as an Olympic event? Oh, oh...let me correct myself...it is officially called 'race walking'. Lets not confuse it with the infamous 'every-which-way walking' event. These "athletes" look as though they're all headed for the nearest washroom and are racing to see who makes it to the john first. Who forgot to take their immodium, folks?

Trampoline. Ugh. I just can't wrap my brain around this one. Jumping up and down on a backyard toy.

Table tennis! For Bob's sake (why must we always pick on Pete?), why is this in the Olympics? And why do they need to disguise its rightful title? We all know it's called PING PONG. Its not a sport! If tennis (an actual sport) is in the Olympics, why oh why do we need to slap it in the face and award medals for the playing of freaking ping pong?

Archery. C'mon. I could see it in the Olympics maybe a few 100 years ago when the indians used this method to hunt (I know what you're thinking and NO the Olympics were not around a few hundred years ago, but if it was around during this era I'm sure archery would be the most popular event...along with arrowhead carving, chariot-racing, and polo), but a 'sport' defined as the practice of using a bow to shoot arrows does not belong with the likes of more athletic events such as swimming, rowing, and track.

Now, I've never in my life completely understood the purpose or technique of diving, nor do I care for synchronized swimming. Therefore, having these two events combined into a single inane and senseless event is lost on me.

Then we have sailing. I don't understand it. It became more evident to me that this rickety event does not belong upon hearing of its postponement day after day due to 'excessive wind conditions'. God forbid there be a light breeze in this smog-ridden city. Maybe the athletes would begin to breathe and wonder what the hell they are doing on a sail boat in the middle of the Chinese waters.
Paddle boats anyone?

Okay. Here's how to fix the humdrum of the Olympics: take out all events dependent on judging. If I was competing in an event and wasn't sure how I did upon completion of my event; waiting on strangers from other countries to rate me out of ten...nuh-uh. I'm going home, thank you. I prefer an exciting race or a "score a goal and win" type of mentality.

And don't even get me started on gymnastics...