This just in: Checkers, Krokae, Poker, and Skipping are now Olympic sports!

Okay, so that headline is a total lie, but... is it really that far-fetched? I have been watching the 2008 Olympics in Beijing somewhat occasionally, (in another words I watch it when I happen to be awake at 3AM or so) and what do I see? Events such as: Trampoline; Table Tennis; Archery; Synchronized Diving; Sailing; and...Walking?!!! My good word. What in the name of crap is 'walking' doing as an Olympic event? Oh, oh...let me correct myself...it is officially called 'race walking'. Lets not confuse it with the infamous 'every-which-way walking' event. These "athletes" look as though they're all headed for the nearest washroom and are racing to see who makes it to the john first. Who forgot to take their immodium, folks?

Trampoline. Ugh. I just can't wrap my brain around this one. Jumping up and down on a backyard toy.

Table tennis! For Bob's sake (why must we always pick on Pete?), why is this in the Olympics? And why do they need to disguise its rightful title? We all know it's called PING PONG. Its not a sport! If tennis (an actual sport) is in the Olympics, why oh why do we need to slap it in the face and award medals for the playing of freaking ping pong?

Archery. C'mon. I could see it in the Olympics maybe a few 100 years ago when the indians used this method to hunt (I know what you're thinking and NO the Olympics were not around a few hundred years ago, but if it was around during this era I'm sure archery would be the most popular event...along with arrowhead carving, chariot-racing, and polo), but a 'sport' defined as the practice of using a bow to shoot arrows does not belong with the likes of more athletic events such as swimming, rowing, and track.

Now, I've never in my life completely understood the purpose or technique of diving, nor do I care for synchronized swimming. Therefore, having these two events combined into a single inane and senseless event is lost on me.

Then we have sailing. I don't understand it. It became more evident to me that this rickety event does not belong upon hearing of its postponement day after day due to 'excessive wind conditions'. God forbid there be a light breeze in this smog-ridden city. Maybe the athletes would begin to breathe and wonder what the hell they are doing on a sail boat in the middle of the Chinese waters.
Paddle boats anyone?

Okay. Here's how to fix the humdrum of the Olympics: take out all events dependent on judging. If I was competing in an event and wasn't sure how I did upon completion of my event; waiting on strangers from other countries to rate me out of ten...nuh-uh. I'm going home, thank you. I prefer an exciting race or a "score a goal and win" type of mentality.

And don't even get me started on gymnastics...

Police Lose 'One of Their Own'

We are always reminded to drive the speed limit, no matter how slow it may seem and of course, we are always reminded that the police are out and about conducting those ride programs and watching for speeders - especially during the holiday seasons. But...when we think of those police officers pulled off near the shoulder of the road or in some stupid hidden parking lot or in some big fluffy cloud in the blue sky, waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting and appear to them with lights and sirens as if from bloody nowhere (seriously, where the hell do they come from?!)...we do indeed assume that there are real live beings in the vehicles.

In Lacey, Washington, the traffic police thought that it would be oh-so-clever of them to place a police 'dummy' in the police vehicle that was parked along the side of a busy highway. This uniformed mannequin, named Trevor (honestly, was it nescessary for these power drunken cops to name this thing? Geez) was completely dressed in police attire with a cute little pair off glasses. 'Trevor' would routinely be placed on 'duty' about two hours at time to 'remind' motorists to slow down. (Yeah right...'remind'...more like watch secretly from an undisclosed location and laugh at every sucker whose brake lights come on when passing that little bastard Trevor in his cop car...boy, they must've got a real kick outta this.) Here's an idea for the traffic police of Lacey, Washington...how about placing a REAL human police officer in the car, one who is actually physically and mentally able to ticket or warn speeders of their violations. How about that?

As it turns out, motorists eventually caught on to this scheme and would have no more of this silly game. On Friday the 12th of January, police arrived to Trevor's vehicle only to find that precious mannequin Trevor was missing! Oh no! Thats right. The driver side window was broken and their little manipulative friend was nowhere to be found. Lacey Police are warning people that disabling an emergency vehicle is a felony.
How about stealing a police dummy? Is that a felony? I wonder if the Lacey police will offer a reward for the little guy. I wonder.

Brave Fart-Smelling Scientists Discover Benefits In Kangaroo Cheese Cutting

We all know that our environment is in serious trouble and that pollution is destroying the air; sea levels are rising; species are becoming extinct; there are elevated levels of greenhouses gases amoung us; etcetera, etcetera. So, where are scientists in Sydney, Australia searching for solutions to help save our environment and prevent global warming? The buttocks of a kangaroo, thats where.

Apparently, kangaroos have special bacteria in their stomachs. They do not have the harmful methane that cattle and sheep exude when they let off their bombs. Scientists want to transfer this "special" bacteria into the stomachs of cattle and sheep since they emit such large quantities of the bad (and likely extremely raunchy) stuff. But this will take at least 3 years for scientists to commence this little disturbing project.

What I would like to know is how in the name of precious humanity did these Aussies get the idea to inspect kangaroo farts? "Eih there Bill, lets check out this bloated kangaroo to discover if his gasious outputs will help prevent global warming". "Crykey! I think we've got somethen hare! Help me tie em down thare mate!"

And how did these brilliant and educated scientists find this "helpful" information out? Did they stand behind a kangaroo until he let one rip and then bottled up the smell? Or maybe they went smelling the fieces on various kangaroo farms? Or maybe it is indeed what Bill and his friend did...they tied him down after going for their regular kangaroo fart-smelling excursion and captured the fart in its tracks.

Why the kangaroo? Why stop there? Why not lions, tigers, or bears? I bet they have just as useful farts as kangaroos. I mean, why wouldn't they? They're usually in good shape, I'm sure their farts are too. How about penguins? No? I bet its too cold for those geeky, climate-challenged scientists to research those farts. Especially if they're living in warm-climated Austrailia. Sorry Penny Penguin, your farts will never be of use to us.

If kangaroo farts could...dare I say it -- save the world; why don't we all just have them as pets? That way every time we start the car or rev up the engine, we'll just grab our pet and have him cut the cheese as a trade-off.

Barbara Has Had It! Who The Hell Can Blame Her?

Why is this such big, shocking news? OMG! Barbara Walters is tired of interviewing celebrities...shut all Hollywood productions down immediately! No one - not Meredith Vieira; not Conan or Leno; not even Oprah can ever interview another celebrity - not while Barbara, the queen of journalism and celebrity interviews, is in her current unhappy and fragile state of mind. Tired of those whiney celebrities and their 'tear-jerking' stories? Pfttt. I won't hear of it.

Back to reality. Thank you Barbara! You have just echoed the thoughts of many. Walters says (in my basic words) that she wants to move away from the tabloid garbage and focus on people of more importance such as author J. K. Rowling, controversial radio host Don Imus, former president Bill Clinton, Afghan icons, and Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez. You know - people that have somewhat respectable occupations. And can you blame the woman? She has seen more celebrity tears than Britney Spears' therapist! I mean, c'mon - Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Love, even the freaking 'Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles' back in their infamous hay-day.

I hope others follow in the footsteps of Barbara Walters. Lord knows we have too many celebrity media outlets in this world. How is it that we (and when I say 'we' I am not including myself, I'm with Barbara on this one) normal beings here on the real earth fail to get sick and tired of hearing how hard those celebs have it? Magazines such as National Enquirer, The Globe, Star Weekly, and Us Magazine are always being sold off the shelves. TV shows such as Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood and E! Talk Daily are some of the highest rated shows on air today. By golly, what else is new? Paris goes to jail, Britney doesn't believe in underwear, Marie Osmond's life is screwed..... George Clooney farted in the Wal-Mart parking lot yesterday after buying a pack of tic-tacs; Nicole Richie ate a peanut m&m; Angelina Jolie spit cinnamon gum out of her car window while driving down Sunset Boulevard.
Who gives a lamp's lightbulb one way or another?

Researchers Successfully Dampen Hopes and Dreams of College Students

I graduated from a two-year program at Fanshawe College in London, Ontario and then proceeded to pursue further studies for one year at the University of Waterloo in Waterloo, Ontario. Post-secondary schools are usually stress-ridden and command complete focus and dedication from a pursing student. There is always an assignment, exam, quiz, or a project that needs attention at any given time in a semester. If I was still a student at one of these great schools and someone was to tell me that I would be taking part in a study that required testing of my already jammed packed memory against a bunch of chimps (yes, REAL chimpanzees; aka monkees; nonhumans; nonstressed college students...whatever you may want to refer to them as), I would first keep my immediate thoughts and recommendations to the researchers to myself and put forth no effort once-so-ever in this pointless test that would NOT count towards my grades.

As crazy as this scenerio may sound, this is exactly what happened in a study at Kyoto Univerisity in Japan. You see, Japanese researches thought that their time would be well spent studying the memories of young, almost infant chimps and then comparing them to the memories of human adults, namely, (unfortunate) college students at this university.

After conducting the first test, researchers found that one chimp in particular, Ayumu, did the best. (*Enter sarcasm here* aww, isn't that cute, they even gave him a real name...doesn't that just warm your ham and season it with fresh spices). The researchers then decided to include this 5-year old fella in a second test with 9 college students. After conducting the memory test consisting of numerous flashes and images at two-different speeds; the chimp eluded as the overall champ.

So what does this study prove? I have no freaking idea! I doubt any of you know either. By testing a dozen or so college students who are more concerned and preoccupied with reading their pyschology chapters, finishing up a chem-lab report, or studying for their philosophy final; brilliant Japanese researchers proved that a 5-year old chimpanzee named Ayumu has a better memory then a few adults who could've easily found better things to do with their time then have their memories tested with chimps.

The Evil Truth Behind The Evil Weather Forecasts

Rain, sleet, hail, ice pellets, snow, thunder, lightning, sun, cloud, fog, cats, dogs, fireballs, golf clubs, loud farts...what does this jargon all have in common? They can probably all be used in someway to describe the weather- well, some more than others. ☺
Weather forecasts (AND the forecastors, weather girls/guys, meteorologists, or whatever the hell you call them) are going to force me to eventually enroll in anger management classes. Day after day, morning and night, I watch the weather reports that the news stations feed us. I watch in disgust knowing that the reports are about as reliable as toy factories in China.

And you know what burns my food? Why are they saying, "Expect some snow showers". SNOW SHOWERS? It's one or the other, Sunny Suzie! Has it ever showered snow? Does that even make sense? Of course it doesn't. It does not make sense. Note to all forecastors - I don't care which part of the world you are in; if you think it will snow, please say this in its exact form, "I think it will snow (be specific here:) snowflakes." If you think it will rain say this in its exact form, "I think it will rain a lot/a little bit." (Notice that think is used in place of expect. It is more accurate this way). Do not use the term 'showers' unless you are refering to the task of cleansing your body or you are reciting that lovely and annoying poem about seasons. You know..."April showers bring May flowers, ble-blah-ble, blah-ble-blah."

Here's how they do it, folks:

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE SEVEN DAY FORECAST?!

Seven-day forecasts should be banned. What is the point? It is anyone's guess after 3 days. They know that and now you know it. It is said by the Farmer's Almanac (the only weather people that I somewhat trust and respect) that one can predict the weather accurate for 3 days, but after that it is VERY inaccurate and hard to determine. So why, I ask WHY do any meteorologists even bother with the seven-day forecast? I guess it can be a tiny bit useful (me - the optimist). Here's how it is done: When viewing the latter 4 days of the 7, just think the basic opposite of what is forecasted.

For example:

The following is the current 7 day forecast for my hometown of Tillsonburg as per the Weather Network (thats right - do not even trust them. They are out to fool you too! ;)

As you will notice, my weather forecast translation is shown below forecasted day. I have my very own special formula. It really kicks in on day 2. Day 2 is warmer than what 'they' say and day 3 is colder. Its that simple and it works because you know you cannot be anymore wrong than 'them'. Stating that there is 0% probability of precipitation (P.O.P.) is big no-no. It might as well be a sin. Anything can happen. Clouds can move faster than you think. Day 4 is much more of a 'guess-timate' if you will. Anyone can do it; all you have to do is base your prediction on the month and the season and there you have it! My fat cat could do this! Days 5 through 7...well its basically a crapshoot. Just keep it simple.

Saturday: High -3°C , Low -6°C, mainly sunny, o% P.O.P.

Jac's Translation: High -3°C, Low -6°C, the sun will be out if you look for it, (oooo...never say zero) 37% P.O.P.

Sunday: High -1°C, Low -4°C, light snow, 80% P.O.P.

Jac's Translation: High approximately 0°C, Low approximately -5°C, the snow will certainly not be heavy (or will it?), 86.4% P.O.P.

Monday: High -1°C, Low -3°C, a few flurries, 70% P.O.P.
Jac's Translation: High approximately -3°C, Low -6°C, a few flurries? Please be specific. Do you mean 3 flurries? 12 flurries, 15764 flurries? I shall say...prepare for snow - afterall it is December - you should all be preparing yourselves for snow everyday of the week anyway,

77% P.O.P.

Tuesday: High 1°C, Low -5°C, light snow, 80% P.O.P.

Jac's Translation: High will be between -12°C ↔ +12°C, Low between -12°C ↔ +12°C, light snow or light rain, 53% P.O.P.

Wednesday: High -1°C, Low -3°C, a few flurries, 60% P.O.P.

Jac's Translation: High → Chilly, Low → Even more chilly, there will probably be snow - you'll find out soon enough, 49.5% P.O.P.

Thursday: High 1°C, Low -3°C, variable cloudiness, 40% P.O.P.

Jac's Translation: High → Not warm, Low → Cold, Now c'mon! Variable cloudiness?? What the hell does that mean? Why would you put this in a forecast that ACTUAL people read?! You go to school to forecast, "Variable cloudiness"? Try this → Clouds, Sun, Rain, or Snow...and possibly some hail and freezing rain, 27.2% P.O.P.

Friday: High 0°C, Low -3°C, light snow, 70% P.O.P.

Jac's Translation: High → Cold, Low → Colder, light snow or blizzard-like heavy snow or possibly no snow at all, 51% P.O.P.

Please take a moment either now or when you are finished reading this post (you're almost done, I swear) and watch Greg Proops (best known from 'Whose Line Is It Anyway') conduct my kind of weather forecast.

Before I end this post, I have one more forecasting pet peeve. I absolutely HATE it when weather personalities say something like, "Its a scorcher out there - if you don't have to be outside, then don't" or "Its very chilly out there folks. Keep indoors and stay warm."

So my question is this - when exactly are we supposed to be outside? When its raining? Snowing? Storming? Or maybe when there's a smog alert or something. Lets just stay inside everyday and play it safe. The weather is hazaradous out there!

Please folks, keep a close eye on your weather forecast - things are not as they seem to be. Remember my technique or better yet....look out the bloody window.

A Peanut Butter Jar Masacre

Okay... There are so many things wrong with this story, I do not have a clue where to begin.

A cat in Tennessee survived 19 days with a peanut butter jar stuck on his head. (*Inserted moment for readers to read the previous sentence again...*). Apparently, the family tried their best to catch the pet, but it kept running from them. I must ask this question...how can a cat retain its lively speed and agility with a jar stuck on its head?! It also must be noted that this was a very chubby cat. They just let this cat hide out for 19 days with a fairly heavy object (well, for a cat anyway) stuck on its head. Ever since I read this story, I have been trying to imagine these people attempting to capture this poor creature. "Oh thats it for now, honey, he's under the couch, how about we take another stab at it sometime later on next week or so."
And how in the name of all that is good and pure did this fat cat even get into this dilemma? I mean, did he jump onto the kitchen counter and help himself to an empty (I presume its empty...hmm...or was it?) peanut butter jar that was sitting out and about...minus the lid? Or did he find it rolling around on the floor and had it mistakened for his toy ketchup bottle?

By the way, the owners finally retrieved the cat (named 'Wild Oats'...I will not comment on this name) by catching it with a fishing net after it was too thin and weak to flee. They used oil to slide the jar off from its head. The veterinarian stated that the cat probably survived for as long as it did as result of its excess fat. Hmm. I have a pretty festively plump cat myself. I guess its not so bad, right? ;)

Thats it for this one. I think I am going to go and help myself to a big 'ole jar of peanut butter.


Please stay tuned for my next post where I will discuss a topic that has continued to piss me off to no end --- I am speaking of weather forecasts, including the questionable beings that forecast them.