This just in: Checkers, Krokae, Poker, and Skipping are now Olympic sports!

Okay, so that headline is a total lie, but... is it really that far-fetched? I have been watching the 2008 Olympics in Beijing somewhat occasionally, (in another words I watch it when I happen to be awake at 3AM or so) and what do I see? Events such as: Trampoline; Table Tennis; Archery; Synchronized Diving; Sailing; and...Walking?!!! My good word. What in the name of crap is 'walking' doing as an Olympic event? Oh, oh...let me correct myself...it is officially called 'race walking'. Lets not confuse it with the infamous 'every-which-way walking' event. These "athletes" look as though they're all headed for the nearest washroom and are racing to see who makes it to the john first. Who forgot to take their immodium, folks?

Trampoline. Ugh. I just can't wrap my brain around this one. Jumping up and down on a backyard toy.

Table tennis! For Bob's sake (why must we always pick on Pete?), why is this in the Olympics? And why do they need to disguise its rightful title? We all know it's called PING PONG. Its not a sport! If tennis (an actual sport) is in the Olympics, why oh why do we need to slap it in the face and award medals for the playing of freaking ping pong?

Archery. C'mon. I could see it in the Olympics maybe a few 100 years ago when the indians used this method to hunt (I know what you're thinking and NO the Olympics were not around a few hundred years ago, but if it was around during this era I'm sure archery would be the most popular event...along with arrowhead carving, chariot-racing, and polo), but a 'sport' defined as the practice of using a bow to shoot arrows does not belong with the likes of more athletic events such as swimming, rowing, and track.

Now, I've never in my life completely understood the purpose or technique of diving, nor do I care for synchronized swimming. Therefore, having these two events combined into a single inane and senseless event is lost on me.

Then we have sailing. I don't understand it. It became more evident to me that this rickety event does not belong upon hearing of its postponement day after day due to 'excessive wind conditions'. God forbid there be a light breeze in this smog-ridden city. Maybe the athletes would begin to breathe and wonder what the hell they are doing on a sail boat in the middle of the Chinese waters.
Paddle boats anyone?

Okay. Here's how to fix the humdrum of the Olympics: take out all events dependent on judging. If I was competing in an event and wasn't sure how I did upon completion of my event; waiting on strangers from other countries to rate me out of ten...nuh-uh. I'm going home, thank you. I prefer an exciting race or a "score a goal and win" type of mentality.

And don't even get me started on gymnastics...

Police Lose 'One of Their Own'

We are always reminded to drive the speed limit, no matter how slow it may seem and of course, we are always reminded that the police are out and about conducting those ride programs and watching for speeders - especially during the holiday seasons. But...when we think of those police officers pulled off near the shoulder of the road or in some stupid hidden parking lot or in some big fluffy cloud in the blue sky, waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting and appear to them with lights and sirens as if from bloody nowhere (seriously, where the hell do they come from?!)...we do indeed assume that there are real live beings in the vehicles.

In Lacey, Washington, the traffic police thought that it would be oh-so-clever of them to place a police 'dummy' in the police vehicle that was parked along the side of a busy highway. This uniformed mannequin, named Trevor (honestly, was it nescessary for these power drunken cops to name this thing? Geez) was completely dressed in police attire with a cute little pair off glasses. 'Trevor' would routinely be placed on 'duty' about two hours at time to 'remind' motorists to slow down. (Yeah right...'remind'...more like watch secretly from an undisclosed location and laugh at every sucker whose brake lights come on when passing that little bastard Trevor in his cop car...boy, they must've got a real kick outta this.) Here's an idea for the traffic police of Lacey, Washington...how about placing a REAL human police officer in the car, one who is actually physically and mentally able to ticket or warn speeders of their violations. How about that?

As it turns out, motorists eventually caught on to this scheme and would have no more of this silly game. On Friday the 12th of January, police arrived to Trevor's vehicle only to find that precious mannequin Trevor was missing! Oh no! Thats right. The driver side window was broken and their little manipulative friend was nowhere to be found. Lacey Police are warning people that disabling an emergency vehicle is a felony.
How about stealing a police dummy? Is that a felony? I wonder if the Lacey police will offer a reward for the little guy. I wonder.

Brave Fart-Smelling Scientists Discover Benefits In Kangaroo Cheese Cutting

We all know that our environment is in serious trouble and that pollution is destroying the air; sea levels are rising; species are becoming extinct; there are elevated levels of greenhouses gases amoung us; etcetera, etcetera. So, where are scientists in Sydney, Australia searching for solutions to help save our environment and prevent global warming? The buttocks of a kangaroo, thats where.

Apparently, kangaroos have special bacteria in their stomachs. They do not have the harmful methane that cattle and sheep exude when they let off their bombs. Scientists want to transfer this "special" bacteria into the stomachs of cattle and sheep since they emit such large quantities of the bad (and likely extremely raunchy) stuff. But this will take at least 3 years for scientists to commence this little disturbing project.

What I would like to know is how in the name of precious humanity did these Aussies get the idea to inspect kangaroo farts? "Eih there Bill, lets check out this bloated kangaroo to discover if his gasious outputs will help prevent global warming". "Crykey! I think we've got somethen hare! Help me tie em down thare mate!"

And how did these brilliant and educated scientists find this "helpful" information out? Did they stand behind a kangaroo until he let one rip and then bottled up the smell? Or maybe they went smelling the fieces on various kangaroo farms? Or maybe it is indeed what Bill and his friend did...they tied him down after going for their regular kangaroo fart-smelling excursion and captured the fart in its tracks.

Why the kangaroo? Why stop there? Why not lions, tigers, or bears? I bet they have just as useful farts as kangaroos. I mean, why wouldn't they? They're usually in good shape, I'm sure their farts are too. How about penguins? No? I bet its too cold for those geeky, climate-challenged scientists to research those farts. Especially if they're living in warm-climated Austrailia. Sorry Penny Penguin, your farts will never be of use to us.

If kangaroo farts could...dare I say it -- save the world; why don't we all just have them as pets? That way every time we start the car or rev up the engine, we'll just grab our pet and have him cut the cheese as a trade-off.